Hi! It's Jilly. I've decided to start a new series here on the blog called "Thoughtful Thursday". Every Thursday I will post a quote. Sometimes I will include my thoughts about it. Other times I will just post the quote. I think it will be a great way to get to know my readers better...and myself.
So, here we go!
This quote sums up a lot of what has been weighing on my mind lately. I feel sooooo inadequate all the time it's not even funny. I feel like I am at the bottom of the loser totem pole and can't seem to do anything right. I'm just a huge mess! It's like..oh, how do I say this...it's like there are all these areas of my life that I have to keep track of- wife, mother, homemaker, friend, etc, etc- and I can't do it! I am emotionally exhausted. I can barely bring myself to do anything. I only get out of bed because I have to. It's like I'm SO far behind that I feel like trying to catch up is fruitless. I know that not doing anything will only get me farther behind, but my brain just says, "Meh." to everything.
I have a good life. I know I do. I have been blessed SO much, and have SO many things to be grateful for. But, I just feel like there's this picture of my life that other people see, and it looks like everything is awesome, but I don't feel awesome. I have three great kids, a loving husband who puts up with way more crap from me than he should have to, great friends...the list could go on and on. But yet, I feel so disconnected from it.
AND, the thought that someone looking in would think I'm perfect because of the way my life looks make me feel sick to my stomach. I hate the thought that someone would ever compare themselves to me and think I have it all together, because I am one piece of straw away from breaking that poor camel's back! I would want to grab that person by the shoulders, shake them, and say, "No! It's not like that at all! You have NO idea how screwed up I am!"
This quote talks about comparing ourselves to others, which is definitely a problem. But, I think my biggest problem is comparing myself to ME. And, I don't mean "me", as in my current self. I mean "me" as in the "me" I think I should and could be if only I was better at being me. Does that even make any sense? It's like I have a picture in my mind of how I should be at this point in my life, and how I could be if I would just grow up and make better choices, manage my time better, etc. But, because I am weak and lame I don't, so I'm not. How can you compete with the vision of what you could be?
Am I the only one who has ever felt this way, or do other people feel like that? I think I'm losing my mind! Does any of this make any sense at all?
Thanks for "listening" to my trip to Crazytown. Don't worry...next week's Thoughtful Thursday will be a lighter fare! I've just had a lot on my mind lately, and I feel like I will burst at the seams if I don't let it out!