Wednesday, August 14, 2013

Find Joy

Hi! It's Jilly. For the last week or two I've been having a really hard time. I don't know what the deal is. I just feel sooooo aggravated and frustrated with everything! I'm been feeling really down and burnt out, too. *sigh*

I've had many thoughts swirling around in my head. When I'm feeling aggravated, everything drives me insane. One little thing will happen and I will just completely lose it! Then, I feel guilty for yelling, but at the same time I'm so mad I don't even care. Then, I get depressed because I feel like I should be better than this.

Find Joy | Hi! It's Jilly

When I'm depressed I feel completely incompetent, like I'm a failure in every area of my life. I feel like I'm not good enough and I will never be good enough. Then I see all these moms around me who are amazing mothers, whose houses are neat, and it just makes it worse. I have the oldest kids among my friends, yet they seem to have things figured out. What's my problem?! Why can't I get it together?! I've had more time to "practice". What's wrong with me?!

Don't even go on Facebook. Then you're hit with all these "my kids are the most precious thing on the planet and I'm completely head over heels in love with them" posts, and the "I've gotten so much done today and it's only 8 am" posts. GAG. It sounds terrible, but I'm just not feelin' it lately.

Find Joy | Hi! It's Jilly

Maybe it's the fact that I have three eight year-olds who are almost constantly bickering with each other. "So-and-so won't stop making that noise. So-and-so BIT me. Why does so-and-so always get everything? Why don't we ever get to do anything fun? (Spoken less than 5 minutes after returning home from a super fun activity), I hate this place, I wish I had a different mother... "

Blah, blah, BLAH!! I can't take it anymore.

I mean, I love my kids, of course, but... ARGH!

I often compare having triplets with being thrown in the deep end of a pool without a life jacket. Everyone always says to me, "Oh, I can't imagine what it was like when they were babies! It must be so much easier now that their older!". To that I say... NOOOO!!

Find Joy | Hi! It's Jilly

When they're babies and they cry there are usually 1 of 3 things wrong- hungry, tired, or dirty diaper. Add in the gas bubbles from time to time. Now it's much more complicated. It's harder to keep your patience and not get weighed down by the bad attitudes, drama, and emotional rollercoasters, not to mention staying on top of the housework and laundry and meals (I swear they are "starving" every hour) and homework and extra-curriculars and...need I go on?!

I've been pondering how I can feel better and have a better attitude. In church on Sunday one of the speakers said, "We find joy when we help others feel joy." I loved that! It reminded me of the quote by James M. Barrie, "Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves."

When you are depressed it is really hard to feel joy, and it's hard to help others to feel it, because you're not feeling it. But, I need to be more aware of my attitude and how it affects my children's attitudes. And, I need to pray for strength and peace. I was typing this post I was listening to Pandora, and the song "Never Alone" by Hilary Weeks started playing. These lyrics jumped out and grabbed me!
Cause when the darkness comes 
I'm a prisoner to my fears
Although I'm listening the doubt is all I hear
Then I reach for your hand 
and feel you reaching back
And the light returns
Now I have tears rolling down my face. The Lord is truly aware of each one of us! That song couldn't have come at a more perfect time. Talk about a tender mercy! Although I don't always acknowledge it, I am grateful for God's hand in my life, and His love and care for me. I need to rely on Him more. That is how I will get through this trying phase of motherhood!!

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