I've started meeting some friends to run early in the morning three days a week. (Getting up early is huge for me, 'cause I am a major night owl.) It's been so nice to breathe in the fresh morning air and get some exercise. I'll even start to feel a little peace. BUT, then I have to get a text from one of the kids. "Mom, what can I eat for breakfast?" "Can I play the Wii?" "My hands hurt. Where is the lotion?" ARGH! I just want to scream! It's, like, can I *please* just have two seconds that I'm not being bombarded with requests?! Can I enjoy my little slice of peace without having to *stop* running and answer asinine questions that I've already answered a billion times?! One daugher has even asked if she can come with me in the mornings. I don't want to be mean, but in my head I'm, like, "HECK to the NO! I want to go BY MYSELF without having to worry about kids!!"
That's just one little example. I feel like there are soooo many things standing in my way, like I'm over here, and Peace is over there, and there's this huge wall up in between us.
The Wall is made up of lots of different things:
- anger
- bitterness
- depression
- comparing my weaknesses to others' (perceived) strengths
- frustration with kids
- frustration with myself
- feeling like I'm so screwed up that it would take for-freaking-ever to change enough to NOT be completely failing at life
- stress
Sidenote: Just now while writing this post I had to break up a big fight because *apparently* one daughter dumped out the other daughter's Sand Art and it was the end of the world or something. SEE WHAT I MEAN?!
I mean, I know that life isn't perfect, and I know that a lot of this comes with the territory of kid-raising. But, I'm just SO tired! Tired of life. Tired of being tired. Tired of kid attitudes. Tired of a house that is never clean and stands as a testament of my failings as a wife and mother. Tired of feeling like I'm not enough and will never be enough. Le sigh.
And, the thing about all this that makes me even *more* crazy is that I have a good life!! I KNOW I do! Right now two of the kids are sitting on the floor playing chess together. (They are playing Wizard Chess and using Lego Harry Potter as one of the pawns. Ha ha!) My husband is at work helping people and I get to stay home with the kids, which is what I always wanted. I have good friends that I can call or text anytime day or night, who will give me the love and support I need.
So, WHY the crap can't I get it together and stop the perma-scowl and stop feeling like I have a rock stuck somewhere between my throat and my stomach because I'm so tight inside?! WHAT IS THE DEAL?! (channeling Jerry Seinfeld...)
I'll have a moment here and there where I get to peek over The Wall and feel a smidge of peace, but I'd really like to get OVER The Wall and chill with Peace on a more regular basis.
Has anyone else felt this way?! Should I just walk over to the hospital and check myself into the loony bin now? How do you "keep the peace"?!
